Once upon a muse

A muse is a necessity. He is the stepping stone towards unleashing your true potential and realizing where your true happiness lies. The nature of a muse is transient, usually leveraged by people with creative endeavors but to me it does not have to be. As long as you have a collection of them to cover all angles, your muses can become the shadow of support as you move from one phase of your life to the other. As long as it is made clear that a shag does not come with the package. Well not with all of them but one. The main muse. The one that gives you hope, usually they come bearing torches. It is never about the money but the time.

My main muse came into my life when I was at the lowest point, (as they usually do) when I was standing at a crossroad yet again. I would not recommend dealing with divorce and taking on a new business concurrently, but that was what was on my plate. It took a lot of courage but as Plato said, courage is knowing what not to fear. I took the leap, wasn’t afraid to be alone because I don’t believe I’m ever alone. I have a lot of alone-time but someone out there is always praying, looking out for me. One door closes another one opens. And you got to love these smart phones and the instant messaging services. That technological invention has taken the communication evolution to a higher plateau where there are no boundaries and you can be in communication with everyone continuously, sharing lives. Yahoo Messenger has always been my IM of choice. From YM to BBM, it fills the cracks in the day where we can’t be together physically. Coming out of a sexless marriage, I can’t help but to zoom in on physical connection and intimacy. It was so barren that I would have probably roam around clubs scouting for a young fish who does not know what to do with my erogenous zones or don’t mind succumbing to being a fag hag. I am a true testament of how important affection and a touch is. Lack of not only stunts a baby’s growth, it also turns a grown woman into a bitch. Abstinence is a perversion!

So he saved me from dying inside due to the lack of physical connection and of intimacy. To me, that is an important step to becoming myself again; so I can be functioning and moving closer towards realizing my true potential and answering my life's calling.

A pink diamond

Once upon a city, there is a woman. She is not mainstream where she lives and stuck out like a sore thumb in the midst of prudes. She loves meat but also appreciates seafood. She is a loyal being to the core and is searching for someone as loyal and adventurous. There is no one like that where she lives. So she suppresses to fit in but in the depth of her heart she knows he's out there...just for her.

Heaven on earth

This is slightly off topic but I just felt the need to write about my favourite place on earth. Two days after my divorce hearing, I packed my Gucci carry-on and set off for a solo trip to the island of the Gods. The last time I had travelled solo was when I was 10 years old en route to Belgrade. I had started my own business doing private label development for bath, body and spa treatment products hence decided to turn the 6-days trip into a productive one. The first two days I spent visiting raw materials, natural chemicals and perfume suppliers followed by a few cottage industry setups to source for unique and custom packaging for my retail range. The next couple of days, I spent going around Seminyak, Kerobokan and Jimbaran areas with Pak Ketut, my trusted guide to 'hotel inspections', part of my competitors' survey initiative. In Bali, allowing potential guests to 'inspect' the rooms is part of the sales & marketing effort that I gladly take advantage of every time I visit. Even with the high concentration of resorts and hotels on this heaven on earth, there are always new ones being built. I've always loved the quaint and low density villas with their own private pools and in Bali, one is spoilt for choices. The best thing is that you will never find two that are alike. Each is unique in terms of its architecture and interior design that it's hard not to be inspired. Everywhere I look, I'm able to find inspiration in the little details and personal touches that lend a certain character and appeal to each establishment. It is easier to find and fall in love with a resort than it is with a man here.

The benefit of travelling solo is that you do tend to meet new people and make new friends. On one of the nights, I met up with Glen, a 28-year-old who works with an oil & gas company back in Kuala Lumpur; a surfer at-heart that I met on the way over. He introduced me to the slums of Kuta where we hung out with a bunch of local surfer dudes, drinking and discussing the waves of Blue Point. Ku De Ta Bar and Restaurant have always been a favourite of mine for their sexy setup. No one could resist those cozy, all-weather sofas’ setup on the beach facing the sea although at night, one could only hear the crashing waves coming down. Seminyak area is where I would choose to stay when in Bali for the convenience of being an arm’s length from all the hip eateries, trendy restaurants, pulsating clubs and boutiques with window displays that would beckon my name.

I could never get bored with the island. If ever I run out of villas and resorts to visit, to photograph and to write about I could always find a new inspiration and write about Uluwatu again but from another perspective. Without any doubt I could see myself retiring in my old age on this heaven on earth in my own little villa and continuing what I love to do best – write. Gotta find me a man first though...

Seasoned thoroughbred vs. Young stallion

My first priority when I got back from my supplier chain network development trip to Bali was to look for a new pad to mark the beginning of a new chapter in my life. A new throne needs a new king, but to be honest I'm in no hurry. Love can't be rushed anyway and I'll be damned if I make the same mistake I've made by not giving myself options. But basic human needs have to be fulfilled in order for us to self-actualize. Mr. Maslow said so. To ensure the realization of my own self-actualization, I've decided that I'd rather take on a lover than a fuck buddy. Fuck buddies are easier to find but I'm at the stage where I need to have an emotional connection to shag someone.

I have to say that the dating pool in this city that I love is quite shallow. As it is, there is a serious lack of good men out there that you can't help but swing a Prada and hit at least five losers. To top it off, the current ratio of 1:3 of men:women doesn't help either. So what options does that leave me? In my rational analysis, there are two. Either I consider dating a married man or a single, younger one. Rationalizing the first option is easy. I live in a country that condones and legalizes polygamy so dating a married man is not considered a taboo. It is becoming a trend for our men to be married and have girlfriends on the side. But whether I would be willing to share and be content with quality time that would be far and few in between is doubtful. But if I can wrap my head around the principle that quality is better than quantity, I guess I can live with it. If I take on a cold perspective that I'd rather be the one someone is cheating with than be someone who's being cheated on, I guess it's probable. As for going younger, I have neither the time nor the patience to be teaching a young stallion how to ride. I need a thoroughbred that is already trained and knows his way around the tracks. Besides lacking in experience, younger men are also lacking the gentlemen's finesse. I'm generalizing based on experience. There are exceptions to the general assumptions of course but until I come across one, the more probable option I'm left with is quite obvious...or is it?

Heart over matter

They say that for men, life begins at 40. For us, I think it begins a decade earlier. Women in their 30s are confident, mature and comfortable in their own skin to take on the world if they choose to. We've been in love, been hurt, made mistakes so we're smarter and stronger. The best lessons are learnt through our mistakes. My mother gave me enough room to make my own. Through our mistakes we gain our independence but it also makes us scared. So here we are, independently scared of being hurt or being alone. Like many women, my heart does speak louder but I battle to suppress it every day. Along with many of my female comrades, I battle to suppress because smart people think and reason with their heads not their hearts. But I don't think we're getting it wrong in the first place. I don't think that suppression is the answer. Paul Coelho said that following one's heart will lead to one's treasure. Then why do we let our heart battle constantly with our head? As I looked back to the past 10 years of my relationship, my heart had given me enough warning bells that my knight in shining armor might have been a loser in tin foil but my head reasoned against it. My heart had told me that it was no longer worth it, but it was my head that convinced me to stick it through. Why is it that smart, sexy individuals turn into foxymorons as we stumble and make stupid decisions when it comes to the matters of the heart? Is it because we are not consistent in deciding which to listen to - the head or the heart? Could I have saved myself some years of misery and unhappiness if I had been more consistent in listening to my heart? Perhaps. Alas, although it took me longer to give in to the quest of my heart, succumbed I did. And here I am, at 35, single and ready to begin a whole new chapter in my life where my friends are my life's balance and my heart reigns supreme in my search of a new king.